Vomiting. It wasn’t pretty, and it wasn’t much fun. It was also concerning, because vampires don’t get sick. Not physically, anyway. There was only one thing it could be, but I refused to believe it.
But it kept happening, and I had to face the fact that I could be pregnant.
I had sworn not to have children. After my mother, Axton… I couldn’t. I didn’t want to.
It wasn’t long and it was confirmed. I was pregnant. I was going to be a mother. I was going to go through childbirth.
I walked out of the living room to go have a lie down in my room when I saw him, standing in the middle of the hallway. I almost screamed. This couldn’t be happening. No. No no no no no. He wasn’t real. I closed my eyes tight, then opened them, and still, he was standing there.
“Go away! Go away! Get away from me! Get out of my head! You’re not real! I know you’re not real! You died! You were never even alive! You were stillborn! Mum gave birth to you but you were stillborn! GO AWAY!” I screamed. I probably sounded like a complete maniac, but I don’t think anyone else was home.
“But you can see me, Lilli. So what does that tell you?” he asked.
“That I’m unhinged. That I’m sick and that you need to leave and I need to make you leave!” I exclaimed.
“What if they were wrong. What if they’re just not looking hard enough?”
“JUST GO AWAY!”
I closed my eyes tight again, and when I opened them a minute later he was gone.
I got my phone out and made a phone call to the one person I knew could help me but I could never fully trust again. My mother. She got me the help I needed last time and I knew she would again.
I had a good talk with my mother. She told me that since I was pregnant, the doctors probably wouldn’t want me taking any drugs or anything. That anytime I was having trouble to talk to someone, and if no one else was available, to call her, no matter what time it was. To keep a level head. Anytime I saw him…
I couldn’t believe this was happening to me again. I knew it was because I was feeling overwhelmed with being pregnant, with the idea of children. But I had good reason to be overwhelmed. If this was happening to me, I would be a terrible mother. I was going to be horrible.
When Fletch got home from work I went to tell him everything, but I was stopped at telling him I was pregnant. He was just so happy. How could I take that happiness away from him.
“I’m gonna be a Dada?” he asked. I nodded, trying to smile.
“You’re gonna be a Dada,” I confirmed.
He insisted on feeling my tummy even though I had no sort of baby bump yet. He was so happy…
I saw Axton and I started yelling at him. This time Rose found me, and she started crying. I’m not sure why, but she handed me a piece of paper, with a name of a doctor.
Later that night I went to the hospital to get some medical advice. They said the same thing Mum had said. That I couldn’t be put on any anti-psychotics while pregnant. I’d just have to get through this pregnancy.
Did they not understand that it was the pregnancy that was making me like this? I was going insane! I was insane, I was already insane, and it was because of this stupid fetus.
One day I went over to Ambro and Rose’s little cottage, and he standing there. Just standing by the wall. I really started yelling. How dare he show up!
“Just GO AWAY!”
“Lilliana, if I wasn’t real, could I do this?” he asked. I looked at him, bemused.
He put his hand on my small baby bump and started to feel the baby. And I could feel his hand. How would I feel his hand if it wasn’t real? A trick of the imagination. He wasn’t there! But I could see him, and I could feel him. I could… I could…
Then I hugged him. I hugged my brother. I knew then he must be real. There was no other explanation. I couldn’t hug thin air. I wouldn’t feel his arms round me, him feeling my baby bump, if he wasn’t real.
I was still talking to Axton when Fletcher walked into the room.
“Who are you talking to, Lilli?” he asked.
“My brother, Axton,” I looked at Fletcher, “My brother Axton, he’s here. Can’t you see him?”
I turned back to Axton, and he was gone.
“Axton! Where did you go! Come back! Come back! Don’t leave me, Axton! They’re going to think I’m mad! I’m not mad! Axton! AXTON! Don’t do this! COME BACK! COME BACK! AXTON!”