You know that feeling when you can feel the world crashing around you? That was how I felt right at that point.
I was at work when Siobhan went into labour, and Ambrogio called me. I went to the hospital as quickly as I could, and when I arrived they told me that I couldn’t go in there with Siobhan, there had been some complications and they had taken her to have en emergency caesarean section.
Complications. That was the only word I heard. I was terrified. They couldn’t tell me anything else, whether it was life threatening or not. All they could tell me was ‘unexpected complications’.
Finally, after what seemed to me a year but was really only a few hours, they told me that my wife was fine. My wife was now in great health, but our son hadn’t survived. Our son, our beautiful son Axton, didn’t make it.
They placed the shell of our son in the crib in the room Siobhan was in, so she could see him just one time. I sat down on the chair next to Siobhan’s bed,and waited for her to wake up, waited to tell her the life-shattering news.
When Siobhan woke up she was a little disorientated, and couldn’t remember much. As soon as she remember about being taken in for surgery, she looked at my expression, and her face fell.
“Alexandre? My son?” she asked. I shook my head, tears falling freely. Her eyes misted over.
“He didn’t make it, love. He’s over in that crib, so you could see him, just one time.” She gulped, and looked over at the crib, crying heavily.
“My son…” she whispered.
After she calmed herself down, she got up from her bed and walked over to the crib, staring down at the seemingly sleeping form of our son.
“D’you think… d’you think I could h-hold him?” she asked.
“I-I don’t see why you shouldn’t,” I said, my voice heavy. She reached down and picked up our son.
She held the baby close to her, cuddled him tightly.
“Axton, my beautiful Axton. You’re in a much better place now,” she whispered, then placed him back in the crib, turning to look at me with tears sparkling in her eyes.
“Take me home. Take him home. We need to bury him,” she muttered.
We buried him next to the ashes of Siobhan’s grandmother, Louise, knowing she would look after him.
Siobhan went out and visited every night. We could hear her mourning from the house. I couldn’t bear it, I wouldn’t go anywhere near that part of the yard. The idea of my baby son being buried there… it was too terrible. I couldn’t face it.
We locked the door of the nursery that had been prepared for his arrival. We couldn’t bear to go in there, take the crib apart that we no longer needed. We would unlock it in a few years, when we could cope with it better, but no one was going to go anywhere near the room for awhile.
I spent all my spare time with my daughter. Losing a child seemed to make me want to spend even more time with the one I had. Lilli was my comfort, but it also hurt to look at her sometimes. She lived… why couldn’t Axton?
I think the hurt won out with Siobhan. She wouldn’t look at Lilli and couldn’t even be in the same room as her. Siobhan threw herself into her work. When I tried to talk to her she wouldn’t. She was bottling everything up.
When she wasn’t working, she was in our room, brooding. Napping. Either way, she had become a shell of her former self. I missed Siobhan, the woman I had fallen in love with.
Lilli’s birthday passed without any celebration. Siobhan was holed up in our room at the time, but I made sure to wish her a happy birthday.
After another few weeks, I couldn’t take it anymore. I went to talk to Siobhan.
“Siobhan, I know it’s hard, but we have to move on with our lives. Your daughter has started school, and you haven’t even realised it! She barely remembers having a mother, even though you’re always here when she is! She never sees you, and she needs you, Siobhan!” I said. Siobhan looked at me with such hate in her eyes I took a step back.
“I never wanted her, Alexandre! I never wanted children, or maybe in the distant future, but it was something I really wanted. Then you got me pregnant, and I fell in love with that little girl, and thought I wanted another child. Then I lost that child! I lost my son that I had wanted. This pain that I feel, it’s your fault. If I never met you I wouldn’t know what I was missing. I wouldn’t feel terrible for losing my son. My son!”
“It is no one’s fault, Siobhan,” I said quietly, trying not to show the hurt I was feeling, “These things happens, and we have to move past them. Never forget it, no, but carry on with our lives. We have a daughter to raise.”
“No, Alexandre. You have a daughter to raise. I can’t do this anymore. It’s oer. Go, and take her with you. All she does is remind me of my pain,” Siobhan said. I nodded, looking at her carefully.
“Okay, I’ll go, but I’m leaving Lilli here, until I find somewhere of my own, at least,” I replied, but Siobhan had already turned away from me and sat down on the bed. I left the room to go look for Lilli.
She was in the study, which was right next to our bedroom, and from the look on her face I knew she had heard everything.
“Oh, ma fille bien-aimée!” I exclaimed, walking over to her to give her a hug.
“Je t’aime, Lilli. I will always love you,” I whispered.
“I want to come with you, Papa,” she said. I shook my head.
“No, darling, I have nowhere to go. I will stay with Tante Lucille and Uncle Seamus for awhile, until I find somewhere, and then you can come with me,” I said.
“I want you to stay,” she said.
“No, sweetheart. I’m sorry,” I said. She kissed my cheek, and I said good bye before leaving the house and walking towards Lucille and Seamus’s house.
It was a week when Siobhan noticed something strange. She went upstairs, looking for Lilli, when she heard a voice in the playroom. It sounded as if Lilliana was talking to someone.
Siobhan opened the door just a little, to see Lilliana acting as if she was talking to someone, but no one else was there. It was then that she heard something that made her gasp.
“Axton, Papa will always love us, you know.”
Siobhan walked in to the room, and Lilliana looked around at her.
“Who are you talking to, Lilli?” Siobhan asked.
“Go away!” Lilliana screamed at her, “I want Papa! Where is Papa?” Siobhan stared at her, before walking out of the room, deciding to make a phone call to Alexandre.
Lilliana, on the other hand, took her brother in to his room and gave him a hug, whispering that she loved him and would always look after him.
AN~ Well that was a very emotionally draining update to write. As you can see, I’m setting everything up for Lilli’s gen, though there will be one or two more updates for Siobhan. Which will more than likely be more set up for Lilli.
Yes, Lilli has the insane trait. 🙂
I hope you all have a great Christmas and New Years, and I looked forward to continuing the Gilberts next year.